cat nature / 1/2 pi shawl p1

i sat with the black cat punitively cuddled on my lap and i pondered the way of things. i looked to where his tail lashed me, vertebra by vertebra – the envy of yoga practitioners everywhere. despite the fact that i had him over my arm with his chin and front hands resting on the same, this cat could not be imprisoned.

i watched as he watched the other cat; his swamp jungle eyes sharp on her as he contemplated the lint taste of her fur on his tongue. his viper tail twitched, timing her movements as he planned his own. despite his momentary incapacitation on my lap, this cat, as i said, was not imprisoned.

i think that time must work differently to cats, and all of the possibilities of the situation were working themselves through his head. he was both attacking her and not attacking her, all at once. this expresses the clear truth and symbolism behind using the cat as Schrodinger's (there's an umlaut in there somewhere, i'll see if i can't find it) box habitant. the possibilities of the cat in the box occur in one setting, one set, all at once.

this is also the truth behind the calendar page magneted to the refrigerator. it's a little tabby cat in japanese-ish garb. it almost looks like a kimono and scrubs made a little cat garment baby, and while normally i am opposed to dressing up cats, the cat in question doesn't seem to be too put out about it. anyway, the quote is “adapted from a Zen koan” which like okay sure, but reads:

Does the cat have Buddha nature?
This is the most important question.
For if you say yes or if you say no
You lose your own Buddha nature.

which like okay, wow deep whatever. and it's from a cat page a day calendar. but i still got a little bit of illumination there, and also from holding the black cat on my lap.

1/2 Circle Pi Shawl day 1:
i cast on today and have worked through all of the repeats of the paw print lace pattern. i haven't knit that before but it was fairly simple, and i love it. it doesn't look exactly like paw prints, but i still meditated on kitties (oh okay and Big Love too) while i knit it tonight. i love the concept of this pattern and look forward to the final result. i admit that i am already nervous about not having enough yarn, but i'll just enjoy it for now.

KNITWORTHY

My family is TOTALLY KNITWORTHY. Consider the following mug shots, with a description of their particulars.
My Gran: She teared up when I gave her the Bitterroot. She really loved it and it looked incredible on her. I am well chuffed. (Anglophiles, did I do that rite?)

My dad's wife who hooked me up with two GIANT bags of stash this summer. I gifted her a worsted weight Springtime Bandit - just like my banned anna tres except in brown heathery natural type wool like Eco wool or Fisherman's Wool. I suspect the latter, but it is afghan-y; she's a small lady and gets chilly if it's below sixty degrees (F) outside. She loves animals and my dad and used to knit so I like her really well. She's had a tough year and LOVED her shawl.

My mom - we were both pretty loopy by the time I gave her the mini-kellokukka. Not enough yarn, or time; I would have liked to have made it larger. The shawl is still fantastic and so is she. She wrapped it around her head and neck and smiled.

My partner and step sprog got new hats (a usually yearly tradition. Turn a Square and a Felicity striped up like TaS stuffed their stockings. Both grinned. Gave my incredibly wonderful 13 year old cousin a little dark bluish grey Paton's wool beanie with an owl cable. It reminds me of Athena - good for her grades and self-esteem. (There's nothing wrong with either, as far as I can tell.)

venting - message in a bottle.

because this is not my blog.

I recently decided to cut internet ties with people who were making their opinions known in a particular medium. Some of these people were family.

Everyone's entitled to opinions, and they ought to feel comfortable airing them. But - I don't have to listen/read them. I was confronted about cutting someone off yesterday and I did not respond in the way I would have liked. I would have liked to have said:

When you say ignorant things about "People having all the kids they want on *my* tax dollar," it hurts me.

I work my ass off, but despite how hard I work, the simple facts are that I am only eligible for part time work at my place of employ. In the present state of jobs and the economy, I should think it obvious why I would stick it out; I also love my job fiercely. Love, however, doesn't make me eligible for health insurance through my employer. So that has to be handled privately, and at a cost.

To discuss the other adult in the household - he did what everyone calls "serve our country" and gets thanked by lots of people every November 11. He used to get thanked all the time, because of the haircut. But being sent to war twice does not make him eligible for good, low-cost health insurance, for some reason, despite everyone's lovely, abstract "gratitude".

We are in the position of trying desperately to get a child on some sort of state sponsored health insurance. We want to be able to get the preventative care for her that she needs in order to keep her from suffering from anything we didn't catch later on. There is also the practical fact that a health emergency on her part would absolutely, literally, no joke about it, bankrupt us. I feel I'm tempting the devil by even mentioning it, but it's a huge burden to carry around. When I write, "trying desperately," I do mean that we are fighting to get her some coverage, because a fight is what it requires.

Also, back to that private coverage I've got - the insurance understood quite well that I am ostensibly of reproductive age and capability, also plus, I'm biologically a woman. However, the cost of maternity coverage is ridiculously high, and considered to be an "add-on," even for a person of my condition. Therefore, if I were to conceive, the theoretical offspring would need to be covered somehow - what with the necessity of prenatal care for healthy babies and mothers - and that would probably involve someone's precious *tax dollars*.

This should make all the facts clear. This should be helpful in understanding why, in my position, I feel personally attacked when people who are "better off" than my little family is, rail about their fucking tax dollars. Because dollars are so much more valuable than education, health care, and children, right? Because the ability to go buy a new phone or laptop because it has been released in a new color is much more important than the health of the poor child sitting next to yours at the coloring table, right?

Sure. Keep thinking that, and say it all day long. But I don't want to listen.

momentary fear

a cessna, flat black like dried spray paint
in an otherwise blameless blue sky.